Hope Connection Newsletter

August 2010

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The
DEEPEST LONGING
By Rev. Patty Moreno

My favorite spot in my mom and dad's home has always been "Mom's library". Scores of Christian romance novels line the walls, and during every visit to see my parents, one of my most relaxing past-times is selecting and reading one of the captivating novels from this vast library. On a recent visit, I began to weigh the vast market that exists for this genre of literature which touches a very real and tender place in the emotions of women, young and old.

If every woman walked through an emotional x-ray machine, we would all have one thing in common: we all look like Swiss cheese, filled with holes of differing shapes and sizes. These holes represent longings in each one of our lives, and each of those holes is strategically forged by our Creator. God wired each one of us with very similar longings: the longing for security, for faithful love, understanding and compassion, the longing to be the sole desire of another's affections, the longing to do something great with our life... all these longings came from God. So how do we live in a non-fiction, not-so-fairytale world, carrying within us the same longings that are so masterfully reflected in the fictional characters whose lives capture our undivided attention? We sigh in wonder as we read how their longings are fulfilled while we, on the contrary, often wait in expectancy...or in hopelessness...with our unmet longings.

As Christians, we might believe that the most spiritual thing to do with our longings is to run from them or to bury them, as if to pretend that they didn't exist or that we never yearned for or wrestled with things beyond our reach. But if we pause to consider that God created these longings in our life to drive us to himself, we will find the courage to stare into the cavern of the deep holes within our life and talk to Him about those empty places which often drive us down pathways of compromise and pain. Our greatest longings have the potential to lead us toward great temptations or they may drive us to a place of wonderful intimacy with Christ. When I meditate on and personalize God's own words of love and commitment as are exemplified in the historical words of Deuteronomy 32:10-12 (NIV), I find the deepest satisfaction. He unveils the truth that Christ alone has the ability to fill the empty places in my life...and he does so by filling those places with himself:

In a desert land I found you, in a barren and howling waste.I shielded you and cared for you; I guarded you as the apple of My eye, like an eagle who hovers over her young, and spreads her wings to catch them and carries them on her pinions, so I alone led you!

By Luke Gilkerson

With the advent of movements like Promise Keepers, accountability has been a buzzword in male Christian community. Men are regularly encouraged by friends, pastors, and mentors to find good accountability partners in their struggle against lust, masturbation, and pornography. But often women will ask me this question: Should I be my husband's accountability partner in these areas?

Sometimes a husband believes his wife would make an ideal accountability partner. After all, she is around him all the time and knows him in ways no one else does. She is his confidant, friend, lover, and soul-mate. Why not throw "accountability partner" into the mix?

The Pain of Knowing

Our answer to this question centers on the definition of an "accountability partner." What is accountability, really? Recently I asked Joe Dallas this question. Joe is the author of The Game Plan: The Men's 30-Day Strategy for Attaining Sexual Integrity and speaks widely on the subject of sexual brokenness. He said, "I don't personally believe in a wife being a husband's accountability partner, but I do believe a husband is accountable to his wife-and that's not a contradiction in terms. An accountability partner on a week basis asks you: 'Did you look at pornography? Did you masturbate? Did you flirt? Did you allow yourself to entertain unclean thoughts? Did you handle your sexuality well this week?' If the wife is the one asking those questions, the husband is going to be imposing on his wife unnecessary pain and detail."

I asked Amy Smalley the same question. Amy and her husband regularly counsel couples through their Marriage Restoration Intensive programs. She believes when a husband exclusively looks to his wife to confess his sexual struggles, this only serves to trigger a myriad of false beliefs in her: I'm not satisfying enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not good enough for him, etc. Amy said, "The reason why it's not best for her to be the accountability partner is because that directly affects her. There's a message: when my husband views pornography, whether he does it intentionally or not, he will say, 'Oh, it has nothing to do with you'-you can say that, but that's not how she feels. She feels like, 'This has a direct reflection on me.'"

Q&A

By Deborah Simon

Question: How do you set boundaries with a man that is addicted to porn, who won't accept or respect boundaries?

Answer: For most of us, in even the best case scenarios, setting boundaries is difficult. You question if they'll work. You doubt if you're doing the right thing. You think you might hurt the other person or the other person might hurt you. But in a situation where a husband will not accept or respect boundaries, it is even harder.

There are no easy answers or 3-step plans to follow. Nevertheless, there are some important things to remember. You must first of all understand that you cannot control others. You cannot make someone accept or respect your boundaries. The only person you can control is you. In other words, the only boundaries you can truly enforce are the ones you set for yourself.

Another thing to remember is that you may have to accept that the other person may never change. After accepting that, you must then decide what you will do with that non-change. You might ask yourself these three questions.

"Will I do nothing" and have no consequences for my spouse's behavior? With this option, you continue in the status quo, hating the behavior, but taking no action.

"Will I tell him what I want and expect" by verbalizing clearly and articulately? With this option, you have to think about what you really want and make your mind up about the best way to say it. But if all you do is talk about your concerns, you end up nagging.

"Will I take action" by determining ahead of time what the consequence will be? With this option, you will warn your spouse ahead of time what you will do and then be prepared to follow through on the consequences, even if it means discomfort or inconvenience for you. Notice I said what you will do. Even if your spouse does not do what you have asked, you can still take action. This may mean withdrawing sexual intimacy, moving out or seeking help for yourself. But don't make idle threats; be certain that you are ready to act.

In closing, I want to remind you how God relates to us. He loves us. He tells us how He wants us to live. But God doesn't threaten. He doesn't nag. He doesn't coerce. Instead, He gives choices...but He also disciplines. He never stops loving us...but neither does He reward our disobedience by letting us experience His peace. So think about God's example and ask Him how you can be like Him when you're wondering about setting boundaries and consequences for your husband.

www.gatewayofhopeministries.org

Ph: 913.393.4283

Email: deborah.gwhope@att.net

RECOMMENDED
READING

Boundaries In Marriage

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Learn when to say yes and when to say no--to your spouse and to others--to make the most of your marriage. Only when a husband and wife know and respect each other's needs, choices, and freedom can they give themselves freely and lovingly to one another. Boundaries are the "property lines" that define and protect husbands and wives as individuals. Once they are in place, a good marriage can become better, and a less-than-satisfying one can even be saved. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, counselors and authors of the award-winning best-seller Boundaries, show couples how to apply the 10 laws of boundaries that can make a real difference in relationships. They help husbands and wives understand the friction points or serious hurts and betrayals in their marriage-and move beyond them to the mutual care, respect, affirmation, and intimacy they both long for. Boundaries in Marriage helps couples: · Set and maintain personal boundaries and respect those of their spouse · Establish values that form a godly structure and architecture for their marriage · Protect their marriage from different kinds of "intruders" · Work with a spouse who understands and values boundaries-or work with one who doesn't.

RESOURCES

Here are links to resources that we hope you will find useful as you begin or continue your journey of healing and recovery:

Confidential HelpLine
800-583-2964

The toll-free Confidential HelpLine responds to the needs of those who have been hurt by the impact of pornography. Callers include men and women who find themselves compulsively using pornography and friends, family members, professionals and pastors seeking information and consultation.

Need help finding a support group?

Contact Brenda Hyer at 206-686-3093 for list of groups in the Greater Seattle area.

Celebrate Recovery

www.celebraterecovery.com

Prodigals International

www.prodigalsonline.org

Pure Desire

www.puredesire.org

Pure Life Alliance

www.purelifealliance.org

Online Help and Resources

A Redeemed Heart